Breastfeeding Harry

June 2010
As we know now Harry has entered the world and changed our lives, made me an emotional hormonal mess and made us a family.
Straight after he was born I put him to my breast, not knowing what to expect, he didn't really do much, a few licks then back off to sleep. I put this down to having pethadine so close to delivering him so wasn't too worried.
Back on the ward I was in a daze looking over at him in the crib not really knowing what to do, Paul had gone home by this point so I was all alone with my gorgeous boy, a midwife came to see us at about 5am, I had just fallen to sleep so was a bit dreamy, she got my boob out without any warning and popped a sleeping Harry on, I was alarmed but didn't feel in a position to say anything. After all how did I know this is not what they do? Again he wouldn't feed, very lazy little licks and back off to sleep he went.
I remember hearing the woman opposite me crying saying she had been in there three days because her son wouldn't latch, she was getting so upset and the nurses were coming in every hour disturbing them and making the mother more distressed, I decided then that I didn't want that happening to Harry and I, when Paul came back I asked to be discharged, I was a bit naughty and told them he had fed for a bit figuring we would be able to sort it out when we got home.
Back home and Harry's latch was very lazy still, I likened it to a little kitten lapping up milk from a bowl, he would give little licks and that would be it.
Our first night at home was full of so many mixed emotions we sat all night watching him, unsure of what we should be doing. I kept offering the breast and he would take a few little sucks but nothing more, again at this point I wasn't worried. I would wait until my milk came in and was convinced it would all work out.
On day three, here I was with boobs like Jordan, they were massive. MY MILK WAS IN!!! And by golly was it in.
I had no clue this was going to happen, the feeling still makes me cringe to this day. Maybe i should of put some research In while I was pregnant, although at the time I didn't think it would be something I would struggle with. I just presumed that's what happened, you had a baby and you fed them and everything was hunky dory. They were so sore, Harry fed pretty much as before, the midwifes helped but he was so lazy, we persevered.
That night I was in agony, I needed a relief. After lots of tears I expressed about 5oz, Harry drank the lot. I was so emotional, I didn't want my baby taking a bottle, why wasn't my body doing what it should be? Why couldn't I feed my own baby?
This eventually became the norm, I would express up to ten times a day, feeling a pang of guilt every time I fed him a bottle, even though it was my milk I felt a failure.
At this point I was still trying to get Harry to latch on, with no joy, so I carried on expressing and expressing eventually I stopped offering the breast as it was just upsetting us both and making me feel more of a failure, so I took my pump everywhere, it became my new accessory.
A few weeks later, I can't remember the exact timescale but I think it was around the 9 week mark, we were on our first trip to the seaside, my favourite place ever, I love the coast. Of course Harry had no idea we had even made the trip but we took loads of pictures and I of course got over excited, until I needed to express. I sat in the back of the car, cramped and squashed up while I started to express. I still remember the feeling now. It was horrible, I was convinced people were looking in, wondering why the hell I was sat pumping in the car, I think all of a sudden everything just got too much and not long after I gave up.
I felt distraught for a long time after and very guilty, in myself I was happier as a first time mum but it would be something I found hard to talk about for a long time after, probably up until I had my daughter, I came then to the realisation that if we just worked harder on the latch, if I had tried to get more help and found the support that I now know is out there I would of succeeded.
At the age of Harry being around maybe 18 months he had a fall and split the the bit that connects the lip to the gum, I now question myself at the thought he may have had a lip tie and that was the problem, this was never checked for as a newborn (or maybe I'm looking for reasons, other that myself, for having failed him)
So all in all I am still feeling quite saddened about not breastfeeding Harry, its only in the past year or so as iv seen him grow into a happy healthy and amazing little boy that it has been a little bit easier to deal with.

So Harry, if you every read this (you're probably grossed out) but I love you and you have and will always be my world


Laura x

First Blog, here goes

Blog blog blog!
I'm a million years too late in the blogging scene, but having the realisation that life is passing by so quick I feel I should use this as a tool to look back on, so here goes.
I'm a mother, a wife to be and a bit of a crazy daisy.
Iv had two children, TWO!!! I can't believe how quickly these past 3 years have gone by.
Lets start at the beginning... After all its probably the best place to start.
Now you see I'm going to put everything into this. After all my plan is for the kids to be able to look back on and (lets face it, probably cringe with embarrassment)
So we're in 2009, August 2nd. It's my 21st birthday and as usual I am out with the girls, I'm no stranger to the social scene, my life is about dancing the night away, drinking lots of alcohol and waking up with a huge hangover ready to do it all again the next night, you get the picture.
I meet Paul.... And we've been together ever since (bar a few week break because my alcohol, partying, arguing ways got the better of us) he saw sense though and that was that.
So fast forward a few months to October, I had just started a new job and we were moving in together (fast I know) so this is October 30th.
Saturday 31st October and Paul has gone to work, I wake up with a feeling I can't even possibly describe. I would now know to spot this feeling a mile off. I raced across the road to superdrug with a five pound note in my hand and bought a packet with two sticks in, crying at the counter I ran back home, sat down did what I needed to do and went to do the washing while I waited for the results. Now I do have the memory of a goldfish but I completely forgot about my recent panic, then it flashed back in my mind......... Then I look.... PREGNANT!
I'm pregnant, I'm having a baby, me? Pregnant. Oh yes. Oh fuck!
This is not me, I was the one who didn't want babies, I like to drink and be silly and NOT to have kids.
We get on with it, It becomes official, family are unsure (I'm even more unsure)
We get a due date of 24th June 2010
I get excited, suddenly this being inside of me is all I think about, I'm reading up on everything baby related, my mind had gone from partying to early nights reading Emma's diary.
We move to a bigger house 6 weeks before my due date, life is good, me and Paul are fab, the baby (we now know is a boy) and we've named him Harry has his own little room. We're now waiting to become parents.
13th June 2010. I'm a Mummy, I'm overwhelmed, iv just had an amazing labour that lasted just 1hour 20mins and I have this little baby boy, he's gorgeous, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. He weighs 7lb 4oz and he's mine. We are in Love.
My life has changed over night and I'm the happiest I have ever been, I throw myself into motherhood and begin to do something that is so natural, I'm going to breastfeed, I hadn't planned to do anything different, this is what mothers do right? This is what our bodies are made for. Oh how wrong was I.

I'm going to do a fresh blog about my first experience with breastfeeding as its something I need to address separately, you see its something which is quite raw still so it needs a blog of its own.

Love life and laughter
(A child's smile can heal the deepest of wounds)

Peace out