Breastfeeding Harry

June 2010
As we know now Harry has entered the world and changed our lives, made me an emotional hormonal mess and made us a family.
Straight after he was born I put him to my breast, not knowing what to expect, he didn't really do much, a few licks then back off to sleep. I put this down to having pethadine so close to delivering him so wasn't too worried.
Back on the ward I was in a daze looking over at him in the crib not really knowing what to do, Paul had gone home by this point so I was all alone with my gorgeous boy, a midwife came to see us at about 5am, I had just fallen to sleep so was a bit dreamy, she got my boob out without any warning and popped a sleeping Harry on, I was alarmed but didn't feel in a position to say anything. After all how did I know this is not what they do? Again he wouldn't feed, very lazy little licks and back off to sleep he went.
I remember hearing the woman opposite me crying saying she had been in there three days because her son wouldn't latch, she was getting so upset and the nurses were coming in every hour disturbing them and making the mother more distressed, I decided then that I didn't want that happening to Harry and I, when Paul came back I asked to be discharged, I was a bit naughty and told them he had fed for a bit figuring we would be able to sort it out when we got home.
Back home and Harry's latch was very lazy still, I likened it to a little kitten lapping up milk from a bowl, he would give little licks and that would be it.
Our first night at home was full of so many mixed emotions we sat all night watching him, unsure of what we should be doing. I kept offering the breast and he would take a few little sucks but nothing more, again at this point I wasn't worried. I would wait until my milk came in and was convinced it would all work out.
On day three, here I was with boobs like Jordan, they were massive. MY MILK WAS IN!!! And by golly was it in.
I had no clue this was going to happen, the feeling still makes me cringe to this day. Maybe i should of put some research In while I was pregnant, although at the time I didn't think it would be something I would struggle with. I just presumed that's what happened, you had a baby and you fed them and everything was hunky dory. They were so sore, Harry fed pretty much as before, the midwifes helped but he was so lazy, we persevered.
That night I was in agony, I needed a relief. After lots of tears I expressed about 5oz, Harry drank the lot. I was so emotional, I didn't want my baby taking a bottle, why wasn't my body doing what it should be? Why couldn't I feed my own baby?
This eventually became the norm, I would express up to ten times a day, feeling a pang of guilt every time I fed him a bottle, even though it was my milk I felt a failure.
At this point I was still trying to get Harry to latch on, with no joy, so I carried on expressing and expressing eventually I stopped offering the breast as it was just upsetting us both and making me feel more of a failure, so I took my pump everywhere, it became my new accessory.
A few weeks later, I can't remember the exact timescale but I think it was around the 9 week mark, we were on our first trip to the seaside, my favourite place ever, I love the coast. Of course Harry had no idea we had even made the trip but we took loads of pictures and I of course got over excited, until I needed to express. I sat in the back of the car, cramped and squashed up while I started to express. I still remember the feeling now. It was horrible, I was convinced people were looking in, wondering why the hell I was sat pumping in the car, I think all of a sudden everything just got too much and not long after I gave up.
I felt distraught for a long time after and very guilty, in myself I was happier as a first time mum but it would be something I found hard to talk about for a long time after, probably up until I had my daughter, I came then to the realisation that if we just worked harder on the latch, if I had tried to get more help and found the support that I now know is out there I would of succeeded.
At the age of Harry being around maybe 18 months he had a fall and split the the bit that connects the lip to the gum, I now question myself at the thought he may have had a lip tie and that was the problem, this was never checked for as a newborn (or maybe I'm looking for reasons, other that myself, for having failed him)
So all in all I am still feeling quite saddened about not breastfeeding Harry, its only in the past year or so as iv seen him grow into a happy healthy and amazing little boy that it has been a little bit easier to deal with.

So Harry, if you every read this (you're probably grossed out) but I love you and you have and will always be my world


Laura x